FOR WHO I AM TO BECOME: RUMINATIONS BY KADIJAH WINGO
I have an idea or maybe it's more of a philosophy I’m forever building. I want to work through these thoughts out loud but it might be a bit uncool to just go in on feelings of loneliness, individualness, community, & love with unsuspecting individuals. So I ask for your permission, would you be willing to walk in my thoughts? Explore a not fully fleshed out concept and in a way that jumps a bit all over the place? My hope is that your empathetic ear could potentially reveal a different perspective to me? Then we would be a part of creating a new philosophy to change the world, I don’t know, maybe just an a-hundred mile radius, but then the world!
It begins like this...
You create something that changes you.
People like it and like who it made you.
This new version of yourself you enjoy. The positive affirmations of your esteemed peers, treasured heroes, & role models reminds you of similar glimpses of that feeling of acceptance you’ve been searching for deep down.
You remember you once felt it before. In the nook of a loved one’s arm. A cherished moment never lasting long enough.
Then...
With that burst of encouragement you continue to work this way.
Creating your truth, which frees you and soon that openness to truth becomes the catalyst for change once again.
That’s what the creative process is meant to be, evolution at its fundamental core?
Next...
What if the people who once revered you no longer enjoy your discoveries or begin to dislike just simply how they’re presented.
What do you become then? Choices are introduced to you.
Your different paths begin to split off faster than you can decipher what’s best for you.
Or is it what’s better for them?
Which road do you take? The path that leads you towards the acceptance of others, leaving behind your authenticity? What if these people are seemingly steering you in the right direction. Offering wisdom even, something that doesn’t necessarily go fully against what you’ve built. This path is a challenge of receiving and how that changes you.
Maybe the route of choosing ‘you’ is more fitting? A path that is withdrawn but steadfast in your truth? Will you actually have less regret when you’re left alone with only your thoughts and creations? What is art if it’s not shared? Who is a creator if no one is there to receive the creation?
The power of individualism comes with pro’s and con’s just like anything else in this world. I find it hard to decipher when it’s best to choose self over anyone else. No situation is 100% percent the same but I know if you always find yourself only ever choosing self that will lead you to a place you don’t wish to be. How can one decipher the difference. How can you think ahead to the impact in ten years? You can’t, we're all guessing at what's right. Though when I look deeper into who I am at my core community is what has always set me free. That feeling can’t be wrong, right? I know there's so much more nuance that could be at play here but I want to start the conversation with how to grow and become a better person.
We are in times where it’s glaringly clear what the problem is and the WiFi connection to see how it’s been solved in the past.
Instead the deceptive lure of false comfort wins every time. It’s as if we’re sleeping on a bed of unfixed nails that could topple at any moment. The majority of us have dug our heads up our ass, in the sand, under the influence of anything that would make us feel something, anything besides the truth.
True love.
Loved the way I want to be loved.
Seen. No reflection. First hand witness.
Seen for what I am
not settling for just that
Seen for who I am to become.
Not what you want to see.
The existence before you.
Not propped up.
Tight.
No lighting.
Not from the perfect bird's eye view.
Some altered perception
Of a distorted being
No brain no soul just a doll to drag around
Toil at the hand of your next best game.
Peck at the puddle you scoop up and pick the leaves from
presented to me like it’s some life saving remedy.
This water is no nourishment to me.
Because the blessing of hydration seems secondary to the engrossed promise that it’s your
cherished hand the water rests in
to which I should be honored.
Lose my mind, body & spirit over the chance to lap at the palms of an inconspicuous predator once more.
Preying on innocence given with extended arm and open mind.
Imagine if you must.
Thinking you’d ever possess this beautiful soul of mine.
It might just leave my body if you ever got that close.
My final breath.
But it really doesn’t have to come to that, now does it?
The ‘answer’ stares in utter shock at me as another person jumps through hoops.
Like an aerialist hittin’ flips.
Avoiding the answer I thought we all could see clearly.
To love another
for who they are
you must know self acceptance first
& then
for all
If you loved who you’ve become or even appreciated what you used to be.
Maybe the image of my being wouldn’t distort
like the twisted mirror image you see every cursed morning
Tangled like the thoughts you have, curl in and around it self
leaving you in knots.
That knot all alone in a box.
Trapped by four walls held by four corresponding corners
Then I finally must break it to you, the only way I know how.
A look to shutter your foundations of knowing
Then gladly, whole heartedly, I choose to love myself without you
in gleeful serenity flowing freely.
I don’t need anyone’s permission to accept who I am.
It makes it easier at times, yes.
But you can start to accept your truth right here.
At this monumental moment of right now
no older or younger than you are or ever have been.
Before tomorrow comes you can love yourself
right before you go to sleep you can love yourself
When you’re fixing yourself you still must be a brave and willing warrior to radically choose love for yourself.
